Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Five Most Important Questions About Good Sex

People ask me all the time in my role as a sexologist,
"How can I have good sex?" Their number one question
is simply "What's the most important thing in having good
sex?" Here's the answer: It's all about your capacity to focus
on physical sensation and pleasure. Your body knows how to
become aroused.

Question 2: "If its so natural and simple, why do people have
so many problems?" The answer: Everything else besides sensation
is a distraction.

Question 3:
What are the top distractions? " Performance anxiety is king or
or queen. When people worry about what will happen and how
they perform they tense their muscles and breathe less deeply.
Tense muscles decrease blood flow and this is critical for sex.
When there is less blood flow to the pelvic region it's a kind of
"reverse-Viagra" effect. If they are in a relationship other emotions
from the relationship can enter in and provide distraction.
Interestingly the next most problematic distraction is an over
preoccupation with partner pleasing that dampens personal pleasure.

Question 4: So how do people overcome these problems? The
Gestalt therapist Fritz Perls had a saying: "Lose your mind and
come to your senses". I use a combination of relaxation and
self-hypnotic techniques to enhance muscle relaxation and blood
flow. I teach visualization and mental practice techniques to enhance
the focus on sensation. These are combined with cognitive or thinking
strategies that relieve the individual of irrelevant preoccupations.
Behavioral exercises for partners are used for practice and homework
to enhance their sense of sexual competency and to encourage them
to play and have fun. Then they are more able to put aside distraction.

Question 5: Why not just have people take a pill? Medications don't
work for everyone, some people don't like the side effects, and some
people simply don't want to use medication. The truth is that for some
people medications are a "godsend"when other measures don't work.
There are also situations in which combining medical treatment and
sex therapy may work best. The main point is that people should have
the available options for treatment so they can make informed
choices based on their needs.

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