Real Couples Therapy

So many couples come to therapy and rehash
their complaints. They get angry and have one
more complaint. It doesn't change anything!
While its good for me as a therapist to know
the complaint list, that's not what change is
about. The first question I have is: What do you
really want in your relationship? The second is:
How hard are you willing to work to get it?
Third: How will you attempt to sabotage our
every effort?

A major blockage in couples work is constant
referencing of past grievances. Its important
to "grieve the grievances". Ultimately we must
let them go and replace them with something
more satisfying. This brings us to the "most
important thing" in couples work: Finding the
fun, joy, and pleasure you are looking for.

If you are going to "work" on your relationship,
the relationship must become intrinsically
rewarding. That is the motivational key.

Couples: The Communication

Its almost a given in my couples work that the
"most important thing" couples say they receive
regarding communication is the capacity to hear
and be heard and to understand and be understood.
That's the core issue in their communication.

It sounds so simple. So how do we go about not
accomplishing this very or most important thing?
Well, that takes assuming you know what your partner
means or what the meaning of something is for them.
Sometimes you only know what the meaning is for you
and you attribute it to them. You end up relating
to your own thought or emotion rather than to the
person you are with.

So, ask your partner what they mean or what something
means to them. Make very few assumptions and really
listen to what they say. Tell them what you think you've heard
and get their confirmation. Now you are actually relating to
them, not the idea you have been carrying around in your
head.

Injury Prevention in Sports

Its fascinating that predictors of injury in athletics
are similar to predictors of performance. For example,
an athlete's ability to mitigate a stress response during
competition allows them to play more effectively.
The stress response also contributes to injury. How
does this happen?

During the stress response, performance concerns,
overly tense muscles, anxious sensations (butterflies,
etc.) pull the athlete off task. They are not as focused
on what they have to do. A lack of proper focus or task
appropriate muscle tension can pull an athlete off track.
Performance is hampered and worse, you may not be
aware of things happening around you or even your
physical trajectory. Then accidents are more likely to
happen.

A basic question becomes, who is more likely to be
injured let alone suffer poorer performance than
their skills and training would suggest? Some athletes
more easily focus on task. Focusing on competition
and winning counts. But, when an athlete is more
focused on the win, the end result, and less focused
on the task, the play by play, of getting there,
then injury and sub-par performance are more likely.

The good news is that athletes can enhance their focus
and task orientation through sports psychology skills
training. They can improve resilience to the stress
response through mental skills training as well. By
enhancing mental skills, they can reduce injury
incidence.

Once an injury occurs, the athlete can also enhance the
recovery process by embracing rehabilitation as "part
of their game". Injury and recovery are just part of
what an athlete prepares for, deals with, and in most
cases overcomes. Mental skills training can also
optimize recovery time. Having clear goals for rehab,
carrying out the plan, good support from family,
friends and the sports medicine team all make a
a difference.

Pain, setbacks, and anxiety can be big challenges
for the athlete. Mental skills are crucial to over-
coming obstacles and dealing with the emotional
roller coaster that sometimes accompanies the
ups and downs of physical recovery and return
to competition. Athletes can learn psychological
skills to manage pain, stress, and anxiety during
rehabilitation from injury.